Pleasant Surprise
Monday, November 23, 2009
I had a pleasant surprise today. And thinking about it makes me smile :)
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8:03 AM
Eeek Propositions
Friday, November 13, 2009
Proposition: Pr(Banana talking to me) ≈ 0.
Proof: The property of talking is well-defined only for objects with mouths. Denote X_obj as the random variable representing the number of occurrences of obj talking in 1 day, and assume X_(banana with mouth) follows Poisson distribution with parameter t. Randomly choose a sufficiently large number of bananas, draw mouths on them, and observe them for 1 day each. Notice that none of the bananas chosen talked to me, hence by Central Limit Theorem, the assertion follows. QED
Proposition: I am lame.
Proof: Proof of previous proposition is lame. I wrote proof of previous proposition. Only lame people can write lamely, therefore I am lame. QED
Corollary: I am bored and I have too much time.
Proof: Obvious.
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2:17 AM
letting it out
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Just two months ago, I was fairly certain that this blog would be rotting away in some hidden corner of the virtual world, and that whatever fleeting thoughts I had always wanted to pen down would just remain in their inchoate states, waiting for the passage of time, waiting to be ushered to the back of my mind. But in recent days, I've overcome this inertia. I've blogged quite a few times, shrugging off the nagging feeling that I should be revising for gre. Although I have no idea who in the right mind would be interested in my ramblings, I figured it would be good to keep a snapshot of my thoughts and feelings every once in a while. And when I grow old, I'll be reading this post again and perhaps laugh to myself "what an immature and emotional fool". But I must write, for this has been bugging me for days.
So yesterday was a rather disheartening day for me. I already knew something was troubling her for a while. She wasn't her usual happy self, which made me sad. I tried cheering her up yesterday, but I failed, and that made me sadder.
I know what she's going through. I can laugh it off and say it's because of my gut feeling that I know what I know. But it's really my gut feeling, plus a little touch of skill at discerning the nuances of her emotions expressed over msn, that I'm able to figure out. I know it isn't easy for her to move on. Nobody said it was easy, and I personally know how heart-wrenching it is, having experienced that real physical pain from heartaches that I once thought was mere figurative speech.
I will always remember the anguish I experienced after my first actual break-up. I was depressed and did not smile for two months, and it took me at least a full six months before my heart was open to the idea of new possibilities for love again. I was weak and vulnerable, and I even thought I would never have the courage to fall in love again. I definitely took the break-up much worse than how she's taking it now, and in this aspect, I admire her for being so much stronger and braver than me.
But I know no matter how strong a person can be, there's a limit to how much anguish the heart can tolerate. When you are busy with work, you may not feel the anguish, but when you are alone, or when your mind is not occupied, the anguish will surely come creeping back, sometimes overwhelming you. It was actually at my lowest point in life then that I listened to fish music, that I found the courage to face the rest of the day. It was because of the healing powers of chinese music that I managed to survive then. This was the actual reason why I started becoming a diehard fish fan. So if it helps, listen to sad chinese songs, cry if you must, and give yourself some alone time.
There's a time to cry, and I really want to ask you to let all your emotions out. Cry all you want, do not hold back the tears, for it's part of the healing process. But I don't have the courage to tell you this, for I know that if you cry, I too will cry. And because I do not have the courage to see you cry, I chose instead to try to make u smile, to cheer you up.
It takes time to heal all emotional wounds. And even if you believe that these emotional wounds will never heal completely, trust me, they will. You just have to give yourself the chance, and be generous with all the time you need. Remember, it is only those who have suffered the emotional torment of heartaches, who will appreciate and cherish true happiness when it comes. But if you do not muster the courage to move on, your door will be shut, and you will never be ready even when true happiness comes knocking.
Regarding the issue of true happiness, although I really wish to have the chance to give her true happiness, whether I can or not is not up to me to decide. I can only try my best, be a little selfish, and fight for what I want. I will never know what the outcome will be like, but I'm taking my chances and having no regrets.
Secretly, I care for her a lot, but I dare not reveal to her too much. Recently, I somehow feel as if I've faded into her background, so all I can do is to quietly be there for her. But ultimately, I know she needs time to heal from her previous relationship, and I know she is not ready, so the only thing I can do is to leave the rest to fate. I just want her to be happy, to smile, to embrace each new day with renewed hope, and I ask for nothing in return, other than to see her smile again. I hope this isn't too much to ask. And when I can finally see her smile again, I too will be happy for her, happy with her, for some things are worth smiling about.
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11:26 PM
